I have had a good week, until just a few minutes ago… I was fixing lunch for a friend and my little ones, and the wave crashed into me. What caused it? What did I do differently today that I did not do yesterday? Was it catching myself in the mirror and noticing just how much weight I have gained? Or was it seeing this haircut and how chubby it makes my face look? Or maybe it was seeing another woman being soft and gentle with my children when I find it so difficult to be the mother they deserve most days… Perhaps it was knowing that I am currently incapable of providing a roof over my children’s heads, or that the love of my life and my best friend filed for divorce and now we are waiting for the judge to sign the papers to make it official.
Maybe it is just my cycle, my time to drown in the darkness. Whatever has triggered it, whatever has brought this wave down on me, has achieved its goal. I am down, I cannot function in this moment, and perhaps for the rest of today’s moments I will be broken and confused and unsure of everything.