“[People] need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.”
― Barbara De Angelis
I have always heard my Inner Wisdom, though I have not always heeded her words or warnings. I tend to stretch myself thin in ways that I know I cannot without breaking down, falling apart. I have always been the sort of person who gives more of myself than I have to give, without question – and then when I find myself unbalanced and worn out, I tend to snap at people. I do not let people see the buildup, it happens deep within me, and so my outbursts are seen as sudden and without cause.
There is always a cause, and though I have tried to explain to many people how my mind works, the concept does not seem to get make sense to them. Even when I warn people when I am having an off day, when I am feeling worn down and overused, they do not understand why I snap, why I throw my hands up and say that I am done, that I have had enough. Inevitably, I end up being the villain and I apologise and attempt to explain what is happening, but I rarely have the words to put my thoughts and feelings out into the world for people to understand.
“There is no doubt that solitude is a challenge and to maintain balance within it a precarious business. But I must not forget that, for me, being with people or even with one beloved person for any length of time without solitude is even worse. I lose my center. I feel dispersed, scattered, in pieces. I must have time alone in which to mull over any encounter, and to extract its juice, its essence, to understand what has really happened to me as a consequence of it.”
May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
This quote speaks to my spirit so deeply. I have not had a moment of true solitude in many moons, and my soul feels it. I am depleted in so many ways, and though I have ample moments throughout my day to sit down and breathe in without someone needing my attention, it is not true solitude. It is not an uninterrupted period of time for me to balance myself, to truly check in with myself and feel present within my body and my life.
My hearth-fire burns low, I am in need of fresh kindling – the best of which seems to be writing and painting. I fuel myself with creative energies. I am working to relate to those around me better, though it is a slow process and requires a lot of focus on my part. I am learning, deep within myself, and will soon be ready to put some new things into practice within my family and my day to day life.
I will listen to my inner wisdom…
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