today…

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The heat is oppressive – it is heavy, and carries a dampness that foretells the powerful storms we have been dreaming of for months. To look out, across the desert, is to see a wasteland of dead grass and wilting trees. They are hardy, these desert plants, hardy in a way that I wish I was.

Today, I feel soft and weak and powerless. I feel defeated. I feel like, no matter what I do or say or feel, it upsets someone. I know that part of the reason for this is because my son is having such a volatile day and I have yet to master the art of shielding myself from the effect that other’s emotions have on me. But, the other side of the story is much more personal. Even doing what I am to balance the hormones in my body, they are horribly out of sync with one another. I am a volcano, waiting to erupt. Regardless of taking my medication, my moods are unpredictable, though I have only lashed out once today.

The element of Fire has been running rampant through my research and my thoughts lately, as is noted in a few of my recent posts. Fire, for me, is a destructive element and definitely not something to be toyed with. However, I have always known that Fire has a creative aspect to it – obviously, the fires of creativity, passion, courage, and strength.

My mentor came and saw us today – she praised me on my gentleness, on my ability to control my volume and my words. I did not see what she saw – I saw fear, fear of a fight breaking out and of yelling and of hateful, painful words being said. I saw a sadness, a defeatedness, in my words and in my actions. We spoke candidly, as we always do. I do not hide things from her, because there is no purpose for hiding. She has seen me without my mask, she has witnessed my rage and my darkness and my fear. There is honesty between us, and that is something I greatly appreciate, and a sort of openness I had not expected from her, in her position.

I am learning, albeit slowly, to hold my flame and to stand my ground. As a Deer Woman who has learned to run with Wolves, being fierce has been my nature for so long and I have grown tired of the aggression required to run with them. I long for gentle steps, quick sprints into the brush, quiet interactions. I long for this mask of intensity to come off so that my natural state can show through.

Does the Deer Woman feel anger? Does she cage the rage that boils within when a hunter appears, threatening her or her young? Or is it fear that she feels? Is she only skittish out of unease or terror, or does she tremble with something more?

I am tired of raised voices and punishments and negativity. I am tired of being fierce and ardent in my words and movements. I long for love, for quiet mornings drinking tea and reading, for languid afternoons listening to poetry and classical music. I miss simplicity and solitude. I love for an inner peace that is not forthcoming in my life right now.

I have a goal for my nearly non-existent morning practice. I want to work to shield myself from the emotions of others – it seems that the more volatile certain people around me, the more volatile I become. I am hoping that some sort of veil that protects me will dampen the anger that boils within me. Once I receive my amethyst palm stone, I will see if I can use that as a neutraliser for all of this negativity. *sighs*

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