adventures

With all of the recent changes, life has taken a turn onto a more adventurous path. We have done things we never thought of doing, and have learned a few lessons along the way. We are blessed to have such an amazing friend, adopted mum, and nana in Thorius and to have such an energetic little bundle of love in HL. Sun and Moon, and even I, are still adjusting to this new way of life, but we are so glad to have a roof over our heads and food on the table and a loving family that takes us as we are.

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Our lives are filled with new sights and stories and songs, and I am working on writing them all down. I even found an amazing travel journal that will serve as a place to keep all of our adventures cohesive for future generations. Not all of our adventures will be put down (mostly because sometimes we do not do much but drive around a neighbourhood at sundown), but those that reach our souls, tickle our spirits, and excite our minds will be recorded.

With everything happening recently, I have not been writing at all. As you can see, I rarely post here anymore – that is not because I have lost the words, the songs, but because I have been so preoccupied with life and how it has been changing. I am still picking up pieces and trying to reassemble the puzzle and find myself, but with each day it seems that I am getting closer to finding the right rhythm.

This whole situation is an adventure, and it is one that will teach us all valuable lessons and help us along our path as a family and our individual paths.

Until next time, my friends <3

hello…

As a way to keep going, I will leave a bit of what I have been up to recently (instead of writing).

For Today

Looking out my window
It has been warm, the temperature steadily rising a few degrees each day. The breeze has been nice, but I long for the storms of Monsoon. The birds sing and the children play in the yard. It is peaceful in all of its noise.
I am thinking
About so many things… Too many on my mind and I cannot seem to put the puzzles together.
I am thankful
for having access to medical care.
One of my favourite things
waking up from a nap feeling refreshed instead of feeling unsteady and unsure.
I am creating
a photography project that centres around mental illness and portraying it realistically instead of with pretty faces and costumes.
I am wearing
comfy blue shorts and a comfy pink shirt
I am reading (read) /watching (watched) / listening to
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer (reading)
Indie stations (Google Music)
I recently sat down and watched one of my all time favourite movies, Coraline.
I am hoping
for a bit of peace in this maelstrom I call my life.
I am learning
to practice my spirituality each and every day, even if what I do is small.
In the school room

we are working with my Sun on his reading – he is not much of a reader, but he is showing progress.

In my garden
we are still working on getting the garden started. my friend has a few lovely plants growing in her kitchen, and they need to be transplanted here shortly.
 
Shared Quote
“Sometimes I wish I could photosynthesize so that just by being, just by shimmering at the meadow’s edge or floating lazily on a pond, I could be doing the work of the world while standing silent in the sun.”
– Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass.
A moment from my day
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taken on 13 May 2017, during a maternity photo session I was hired for. I love the desert. <3

Closing Notes
I want everyone to know that I have not forgotten about this blog, that I have not forgotten my work as a writer, that I have not lost touch with anyone or anything. I am, however, dealing with severe health issues, both mental and physical, and dealing with moving and all of the changes that separation causes. I will come back, with my head screwed on a bit tighter, I just need a while to reassess life and words and beliefs and concepts. I hope that you will all  check in with me throughout this process because your support truly means the world to me <3

life goals

When we are young, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. All throughout our childhood, we are asked this question. We are pushed to strive for this particular goal. But what happens when we do not know? What happens when all of the hard work we have put in to become a doctor was for nothing because six years into a medical degree we decide we actually want to study astronomy?

When I was a child, I wanted to be like my mother. Hard working, a career woman with a family. It was admirable, and amongst the dreams of my peers, it was the most realistic goal the teachers had heard. It was seen as attainable for whatever reasons. In junior high school, I strived to be an artist. I wanted to paint and draw for a living, knowing full well that it was unlikely that I would ever make enough to pay for basic amenities. Along those same lines, in high school, I wanted to write stories for a living. As an adult, struggling with homelessness and strained relationships in a new place where I knew next to no one, I wanted to be a photographer, a healer, a small business owner, and a historian.

I have learned that being something is not the way to live your life – striving to be a teacher or a historian or a writer is asking for years of debt piled up and hours upon hours of anxiety. Instead of being, do – instead of being a teacher, teach; instead of being a writer, write; instead of being a historian, make history.

When I grow up, I do not want to be something, I want to do something. I want to create and live a full life. I want to learn, I want to explore, I want to do things – something, anything.

darkness

I have had a good week, until just a few minutes ago… I was fixing lunch for a friend and my little ones, and the wave crashed into me. What caused it? What did I do differently today that I did not do yesterday? Was it catching myself in the mirror and noticing just how much weight I have gained? Or was it seeing this haircut and how chubby it makes my face look? Or maybe it was seeing another woman being soft and gentle with my children when I find it so difficult to be the mother they deserve most days… Perhaps it was knowing that I am currently incapable of providing a roof over my children’s heads, or that the love of my life and my best friend filed for divorce and now we are waiting for the judge to sign the papers to make it official.

Maybe it is just my cycle, my time to drown in the darkness. Whatever has triggered it, whatever has brought this wave down on me, has achieved its goal. I am down, I cannot function in this moment, and perhaps for the rest of today’s moments I will be broken and confused and unsure of everything.