“…if one looks long enough at almost anything, looks with absolute attention at a flower, a stone, the bark of a tree, grass, snow, a cloud, something like revelation takes place. Something is “given,” and perhaps that something is always a reality outside the self. We are aware of God only when we cease to be aware of ourselves, not in the negative sense of denying the self, but in the sense of losing self in admiration and joy.”
– May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude (Open Road Media. 2014)
It is painfully obvious that I have not been active on this blog, for which I apologise. I have been running around – both metaphorically and literally, as well as online and off. My attention has been focused elsewhere, on courses that I am taking to further my learning along this Path, on my children who will be starting school this Wednesday, on my mental health and everything involved with it, and every other little aspect of life.
As of 25 July 2018, The Call of the Sea (previously Aequoris) was finished. On 29 July 2018, I published the novella on Amazon Kindle, and it is currently available for free to Kindle Unlimited subscribers. My head has been swimming in the cool waves of Idir na Farraigí for the last month, and my characters have taken their tale to a place I had not originally intended.
I have fallen in love with the mythology of this family and their island home, and my heart aches to be finished with this tale – however, my heart is also heavy with the experiences and deep emotions that I have written about, and I am finding it difficult to write much of anything, including posts and course papers.
I cannot definitively say whether the underlying, and apparent, themes of my current tale are to blame for my recent downward spiral, or if perhaps it is just life at this moment, but my own dark and cold waters have risen considerably over the last week.
I am one of those authors that always has a writing project ready to work on, primarily because I prefer to write when inspiration strikes, and it isn’t always any single piece – this means that I usually have a few tales started.
I began a very personal tale, one inspired, albeit loosely, by my childhood. It is just as heavy, if not more (due to its personal nature) than The Call of the Sea. I know how cathartic writing is, I advocate for everyone to write through their emotions and through their traumas, but I am terrified of writing this tale.
Perhaps I am not yet ready to face these shadows that have haunted me for so long, or perhaps I am just emotionally drained from my previous writing. For whatever reason, I am at a loss for words and it hurts me deeply that I cannot find them anywhere.
I had intended for this post to be something other than what it has become – however, as with most of my writing, my words often take on a mind of their own. I wanted to talk about absolute attention, and prayer, and other such things but there is so much weighing on my mind right now that it seems impossible to focus.
I will leave you with a quote that has me feeling a bit more human, a bit more me:
“The pale stars were sliding into their places. The whispering of the leaves was almost hushed. All about them it was still and shadowy and sweet. It was that wonderful moment when, for lack of a visible horizon, the not yet darkened world seems infinitely greater—a moment when anything can happen, anything be believed in.”
― Olivia Howard Dunbar,