forgotten…

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“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

No, I have not forgotten you. Many things have been happening, some of which I am not too comfortable with sharing here, at this moment. Changes are happening, within me and without me – some are for the better, some are seemingly worsening my situation. However, I am handling things with a grace that I have rarely shown in the past. Is it true that, as you age, you get wiser? Where does that wisdom come from, I wonder.

Something I am willing to share at this point is my journey through education. I have chosen to put forth the effort of doing self-paced coursework. I believe I have spoken, briefly, of my Bardic studies – those are still being done. However, I have also added in a few other courses through an online seminary, as well as my own studies of Gaelic, English Composition, Maths, and Life Coaching. If you find yourself interested in reading about my journey, you can follow the link below:

Starlit Dreams Assignments

I do promise that I have not forgotten you, my loves. I have just been rather self-absorbed. I hope to get back to normal in the coming weeks, but I cannot make any promises. You are forever in my heart <3

dreaming…

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When I wake, I rarely remember my dreams – though I know that everyone dreams, aside from those with specific disorders, I lovingly exclaim that I do not dream. There are times when I find myself in the dream world, and times that I wake to memories of dreams I had while sleeping, but those times are few and far between. When I do experience dreams, whether as they are happening or as memories upon waking, they are not simply dreams – they are nightmares.

Most commonly, I am running from something deep within a cave, and though I know where I am going, I cannot open my eyes but for a sliver at a time to see a bright light that is illuminating a field beyond the darkness and the vine-covered threshold. In the distance, there are trees. I never seem to get closer to the entrance of the cave, as if I am stuck in place; I feel an immense fear, and I constantly try to look back at whatever is chasing me.

I recently went through and interpreted this dream, though I am unsure how to word it properly right now – perhaps I will share it in the future. I have dealt with this dream for as long as I can remember, and as a child, it was terrifying to wake up in a cold sweat, not knowing what it all meant.

There has always been this strange sensation of something trying to reach me, a voice calling to me through the darkness – jumbled by the imagery of this dream, but apparent in all aspects of it. I may feel an overwhelming anxiety and desire to run, to get away, from whatever it is in the dream, but somewhere deep within that cave is a quiet, warm place that calls to me.

Dreams can be as simple as images used to process the happenings of day to day life – but they can also be deeply rooted in our subconscious minds, things that are trying to make their way to the forefront of our thoughts in order to be worked through; they can, at times, be prophetic, or glimpses of things that happened in the distant past (whether during this life or previous lives, depending on the dreamers beliefs).

As a young child, my grandmother taught me about dreams and interpreting them – my mother encouraged further exploration of the topic as I grew, though she always showed a wariness of it. It is my intention to continue learning as much as I can about dreams and their significance, and their meanings, in our lives. I know that we can all learn quite a bit from the things that happen behind our eyes as we sleep, and I hope that I will be able to share this information and knowledge with you all soon.

 

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march 2018 // recap

I have been in a downward spiral for weeks, though a few lovely things have helped to bring smiles to my face. Painting has been an incredible outlet for me, and I recently set up shop on etsy.com.

You might be wondering whatever happened to my Bullet Journal – I still have it, and I am trying to get back into the habit of using it daily again, but when I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed, planning just doesn’t seem possible at all. I am working on it though, and I do have the thought planted firmly in my mind that I will be filming and uploading and photographing my May spread for you.

March was a fairly gentle month, aside from the deepening waters of depression. Many firsts happened – the first buds began to peek through the bare branches, little yellow and white wildflowers began to pop up here and there along the roads – not to mention the Arizona Lupines that grow along the vast stretches of roads here in the Desert. The birds sang all through Winter, but nothing like their sweet songs once the sun begins to warm the air.

My birthday was simple, exactly how I prefer it. I also was able to finally get an intake for behavioural health services – and my children are doing well in their therapy sessions. Many things have been discussed in terms of my mental health, and though some are terrifying, I know that it is necessary to go through with all of this if I want accurate and adequate help and benefits. I just hope that I am not lost in the fray of paperwork and diagnoses.

I will share a bit of an update on our educational adventure over on Desert Starlight.

Until next time, my lovelies – love and light.

☽ ✰ ☾
victoria

health

My health has been in flux for some time – not all physical, and sometimes that makes it even harder to cope with sometimes. I recently finished a treatment of medication and it has done its job, but I am in an even worse spot right now than I was before. I am not going to go into detail about the issues, but I will say that it deals with my reproductive health. With a borage of other problems surfacing, I am finding my life to be rather unpleasant (in a very First World Problems sort of way). Being so exhausted, I have had some trouble with remembering deadlines and inspiration for my writing and photography.

My spiritual health has been in a much worse state than usual. I have attempted, and backslid, from moving forward on my path many times over the last few weeks. I know some of what I want from my practice, from my path, but unfortunately, I have no idea how to implement my thoughts and feelings into my day to day life. I have wanted to study more and more, but I find it difficult to keep my mind settled on any task.

The Wind has been violent lately – clouds have covered the sky at least part of each day for the last week, and though it has been steadily getting warmer, as Spring is want to do, and yet there is a chill in the air that sends shivers down my arms and makes my hair stand on end. I feel that the Wind is trying to tell me something, show me something, but I am not sure how to find out what exactly it wants to tell me.

So many things have been happening in the world – not just the larger world, but in my own personal world. Every day it seems like there is something to cause me to feel like a failure. Though I know, deep down, that I am not a failure, the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my mind tell a different story, they sing a different song.

I am struggling. It is a constant battle. Most days, I don’t know if I will make it through, but sometimes, on those rare occasions, I have the strength of Wonder Woman and can handle everything the Universe throws at me.