under the sky

IMG_0209

The world seems to have continued on without me as I sit here. I watch everything move, yet I am unmoving. I go about my days as if by clockwork. I know my duties, I know my routines, and yet I long for something more. I long for something other. I so wish the words would flow through me as they did with The Call of the Sea, that something would come from these thoughts and feelings that boil within my spirit.

I am finding words difficult to write here, for this post. I feel like I have lost my connection to the words, to the images, though I know that this is typical for me. Once I finish a writing a tale, I always have a period of disenchantment, a period of silence within my mind and soul that eats away at me. This is why I fill the gaps between tales with artwork, with coursework, with something to give my thoughts an outlet. I am hoping that this lull in activity will subside come November, but I know that it is a real possibility (as it always is) that it will continue on into the new year. I am ready for whatever my spirit needs of me, I just hope that it is something I can give it.

Sitting under the sky, with the clouds rolling over me, has given me some peace of mind. The storms are still on the horizon, the rain still threatens to drench this desert, but the promise of cooler days and a more ancestral feeling is in the air. I love Autumn. It is a time of inner work for me, a time of ancestor work and of honouring Place. I do not know what I will be doing this Autumn, but I hope to bring some things into my life that have been missing over the last year.

For now, here are some photos from a recent trip to New Mexico. I hope you enjoy them:

 

IMG_0236

IMG_0227

IMG_0258

IMG_0213

IMG_0210

IMG_0247

IMG_0259

IMG_0254

IMG_0218

IMG_0239

IMG_0262

IMG_0188

IMG_0179

IMG_0217

forgotten…

Untitled design (7).png

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

No, I have not forgotten you. Many things have been happening, some of which I am not too comfortable with sharing here, at this moment. Changes are happening, within me and without me – some are for the better, some are seemingly worsening my situation. However, I am handling things with a grace that I have rarely shown in the past. Is it true that, as you age, you get wiser? Where does that wisdom come from, I wonder.

Something I am willing to share at this point is my journey through education. I have chosen to put forth the effort of doing self-paced coursework. I believe I have spoken, briefly, of my Bardic studies – those are still being done. However, I have also added in a few other courses through an online seminary, as well as my own studies of Gaelic, English Composition, Maths, and Life Coaching. If you find yourself interested in reading about my journey, you can follow the link below:

Starlit Dreams Assignments

I do promise that I have not forgotten you, my loves. I have just been rather self-absorbed. I hope to get back to normal in the coming weeks, but I cannot make any promises. You are forever in my heart <3

absolute attention

absoluteattention.png

“…if one looks long enough at almost anything, looks with absolute attention at a flower, a stone, the bark of a tree, grass, snow, a cloud, something like revelation takes place. Something is “given,” and perhaps that something is always a reality outside the self. We are aware of God only when we cease to be aware of ourselves, not in the negative sense of denying the self, but in the sense of losing self in admiration and joy.”

– May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude (Open Road Media. 2014)

It is painfully obvious that I have not been active on this blog, for which I apologise. I have been running around – both metaphorically and literally, as well as online and off. My attention has been focused elsewhere, on courses that I am taking to further my learning along this Path, on my children who will be starting school this Wednesday, on my mental health and everything involved with it, and every other little aspect of life.

As of 25 July 2018, The Call of the Sea (previously Aequoris) was finished. On 29 July 2018, I published the novella on Amazon Kindle, and it is currently available for free to Kindle Unlimited subscribers. My head has been swimming in the cool waves of Idir na Farraigí for the last month, and my characters have taken their tale to a place I had not originally intended.

the call of the sea blog.png
click the image for the amazon product page

I have fallen in love with the mythology of this family and their island home, and my heart aches to be finished with this tale – however, my heart is also heavy with the experiences and deep emotions that I have written about, and I am finding it difficult to write much of anything, including posts and course papers.

I cannot definitively say whether the underlying, and apparent, themes of my current tale are to blame for my recent downward spiral, or if perhaps it is just life at this moment, but my own dark and cold waters have risen considerably over the last week.

I am one of those authors that always has a writing project ready to work on, primarily because I prefer to write when inspiration strikes, and it isn’t always any single piece – this means that I usually have a few tales started.

I began a very personal tale, one inspired, albeit loosely, by my childhood. It is just as heavy, if not more (due to its personal nature) than The Call of the Sea. I know how cathartic writing is, I advocate for everyone to write through their emotions and through their traumas, but I am terrified of writing this tale.

Perhaps I am not yet ready to face these shadows that have haunted me for so long, or perhaps I am just emotionally drained from my previous writing. For whatever reason, I am at a loss for words and it hurts me deeply that I cannot find them anywhere.

I had intended for this post to be something other than what it has become – however, as with most of my writing, my words often take on a mind of their own. I wanted to talk about absolute attention, and prayer, and other such things but there is so much weighing on my mind right now that it seems impossible to focus.

I will leave you with a quote that has me feeling a bit more human, a bit more me:

“The pale stars were sliding into their places. The whispering of the leaves was almost hushed. All about them it was still and shadowy and sweet. It was that wonderful moment when, for lack of a visible horizon, the not yet darkened world seems infinitely greater—a moment when anything can happen, anything be believed in.”
― Olivia Howard Dunbar, The Shell of Sense

 

 

image credit

today…

IMG_20170525_163311_502_resized

The heat is oppressive – it is heavy, and carries a dampness that foretells the powerful storms we have been dreaming of for months. To look out, across the desert, is to see a wasteland of dead grass and wilting trees. They are hardy, these desert plants, hardy in a way that I wish I was.

Today, I feel soft and weak and powerless. I feel defeated. I feel like, no matter what I do or say or feel, it upsets someone. I know that part of the reason for this is because my son is having such a volatile day and I have yet to master the art of shielding myself from the effect that other’s emotions have on me. But, the other side of the story is much more personal. Even doing what I am to balance the hormones in my body, they are horribly out of sync with one another. I am a volcano, waiting to erupt. Regardless of taking my medication, my moods are unpredictable, though I have only lashed out once today.

The element of Fire has been running rampant through my research and my thoughts lately, as is noted in a few of my recent posts. Fire, for me, is a destructive element and definitely not something to be toyed with. However, I have always known that Fire has a creative aspect to it – obviously, the fires of creativity, passion, courage, and strength.

My mentor came and saw us today – she praised me on my gentleness, on my ability to control my volume and my words. I did not see what she saw – I saw fear, fear of a fight breaking out and of yelling and of hateful, painful words being said. I saw a sadness, a defeatedness, in my words and in my actions. We spoke candidly, as we always do. I do not hide things from her, because there is no purpose for hiding. She has seen me without my mask, she has witnessed my rage and my darkness and my fear. There is honesty between us, and that is something I greatly appreciate, and a sort of openness I had not expected from her, in her position.

I am learning, albeit slowly, to hold my flame and to stand my ground. As a Deer Woman who has learned to run with Wolves, being fierce has been my nature for so long and I have grown tired of the aggression required to run with them. I long for gentle steps, quick sprints into the brush, quiet interactions. I long for this mask of intensity to come off so that my natural state can show through.

Does the Deer Woman feel anger? Does she cage the rage that boils within when a hunter appears, threatening her or her young? Or is it fear that she feels? Is she only skittish out of unease or terror, or does she tremble with something more?

I am tired of raised voices and punishments and negativity. I am tired of being fierce and ardent in my words and movements. I long for love, for quiet mornings drinking tea and reading, for languid afternoons listening to poetry and classical music. I miss simplicity and solitude. I love for an inner peace that is not forthcoming in my life right now.

I have a goal for my nearly non-existent morning practice. I want to work to shield myself from the emotions of others – it seems that the more volatile certain people around me, the more volatile I become. I am hoping that some sort of veil that protects me will dampen the anger that boils within me. Once I receive my amethyst palm stone, I will see if I can use that as a neutraliser for all of this negativity. *sighs*

threefold

asphalt-balance-blur-268018

I read a post earlier about the Threefold Law, and what was written rang so true for my spirit. I left a comment, that I will share below, regarding a specific experience that would, in all of the Law’s simplicity, indicate that negativity would come back to me:

I have always held the belief that the grey areas are where truth is – as a young adult, I watched my great-grandmother whither. She had had seven strokes within two months, and the part of her that was HER had already left, leaving behind a shell that had no concept of anything. When she was on her last legs, her daughter begged her not to go, saying that she could not live without her (it was driven by greed, not by love).

I asked for my great-grandmother’s death. I wrote and performed a ritual to bring about her passing, in which I broke down and cried for hours because I was in so much pain over her state at the time and knowing that I had lost her long before, knowing that she would never meet my children or see me married. She was in so much physical pain at that point, she was being kept in hospice on life support, and I was never able to say goodbye. Her body was failing her and her daughter refused to let her go. She passed away a few days after the ritual, eight days before her birthday.

Was I wrong to do it? Because it dealt with death, is it considered ‘evil’ or ‘bad’? In my eyes, and in my heart, I was not in the wrong. I did that ritual to ease her suffering, to let her pass when her daughter would not. I didn’t want to lose her, but I knew that she, the SHE that I had loved with all my heart, was gone. Did it harm her daughter? Of course, but her own greed and selfishness would have brought on worse consequences for her than what she suffered for a short while after Mahmuh died.

I believe that our intentions make our work ‘black’ or ‘white’, not the works themselves, and definitely not the deities we honour. If someone’s sole intent in doing something is to bring harm, that would bring about the physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual consequences of the Threefold Law. However, should the intent of a working be for the good of others, even if the consequences bring pain, I feel that the caster/practitioner is generally safe from harsh consequences – that is not to say that they won’t feel it on any or all levels, but it won’t be as much as an issue.

I have never subscribed to the Threefold Law of Return as Wiccan’s have described it. I do believe that what we put out into the Universe, what we give to other’s regardless of what we receive from them, returns to us. I do not necessarily consider this Karma, as that is an Eastern concept and the West has broken it down and oversimplified it, but it was inspired by it. Karma is intrinsically linked to Life and Death and Rebirth, whereas the Threefold Law, the Law of Three, or the Law of Return, are all rooted fairly deeply in Life alone – this is the most notable difference.

Because of my disconnectedness from the concept, I never could consider myself a Wiccan, as the Law is so deeply ingrained in all aspects of the Path. I also cannot agree with the existence of only ‘black’ and ‘white’ magic – there are grey areas in every aspect of life, including Magic. The otherwise ‘dark’ deed that someone performs could, in fact, be for the highest good of those involved.

My mother explained to me that those motivated by the self tend to perform ‘black’ magic, and those who are motived by selfless desires perform ‘white’ magic. This is all fine and dandy, as yet another oversimplified explanation. But, what of the people who are motivated by selfless desires that perform what most would consider ‘black’ magic, as I did with my great-grandmother? What of the people who perform healing rituals and circles on themselves in order to better their lives? What of the people who perform money spells, not necessarily out of greed but out of necessity, or to get what is due to them? As I said, there are grey areas in all aspects of life.

My mother repeatedly told me that Tarot, Numerology, and other forms of Divination were ‘black’ magic, as it stepped into the realm of the Divine where mortals were not supposed to tread. Gods forgive me if I ever happened across of Spirit board, as I would definitely invite something terrible into the world.

All of this coming from the woman who performed some of the darkest, greediest magic I have ever encountered. After years of this darkness, my mother lost her connection with the Divine. She has found it again, though on a different Path, and seems to be happy. But not after suffering so much physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual turmoil. She is cripplingly disabled, both in body and in mind, and suffers still from what I believe is a culmination of past trauma and her own actions.

My experiences with my mother have had a direct impact on my beliefs regarding the Threefold Law. Joanna van der Hoeven summed it up perfectly in the above-linked post:

I feel that when we do magic, or perform any sort of action whether on the physical or metaphysical level, we affect energy. This for me feels like a more appropriate definition of correspondence. That energy is not only external to us, but will affect us on three levels. Those levels are:

Physical

Mental/Emotional

Spiritual

She goes on to discuss the example of cursing someone. This is where one’s intent comes into effect, in my opinion. Should I choose to curse my father for abusing my daughter, my intentions need to be in order and for the highest good of those involved. As there has been no furtherance in prosecuting him on the charges, and I fully believe that he stole my daughter’s innocence, I would be in the right to bring justice to the situation, in accordance with my beliefs. However, my words and my thoughts and my actions must all be carefully chosen to bring the proper brand of justice.

Does he deserve to die? No, therefore I would not work to end his life. Does he deserve to suffer? Yes. The best way, in this situation, would be to enhance the evidence against him and encourage the police to continue their work. Perhaps even performing a truth spell of some sort on my father would be beneficial, so that he admits to the crimes he has committed.

In the eyes of many Wiccans, all of this would be ‘black’ or ‘dark’ magic, because it is bringing harm to someone else, regardless of their transgressions and the harm they have brought to others.

One should, of course, exhaust all mundane courses of action available before resorting to the use of Magic, as the results affect more than just the physical plane. I have not done any of what I proposed above, primarily because I am still hoping for a mundane resolution, and we are working toward healing through therapy and skill-building, for my daughter, myself, and my son. However, I have not discounted the possibility of using Magic in the future, if nothing else but to further justice and healing for my daughter.

 

image credit