under the sky

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The world seems to have continued on without me as I sit here. I watch everything move, yet I am unmoving. I go about my days as if by clockwork. I know my duties, I know my routines, and yet I long for something more. I long for something other. I so wish the words would flow through me as they did with The Call of the Sea, that something would come from these thoughts and feelings that boil within my spirit.

I am finding words difficult to write here, for this post. I feel like I have lost my connection to the words, to the images, though I know that this is typical for me. Once I finish a writing a tale, I always have a period of disenchantment, a period of silence within my mind and soul that eats away at me. This is why I fill the gaps between tales with artwork, with coursework, with something to give my thoughts an outlet. I am hoping that this lull in activity will subside come November, but I know that it is a real possibility (as it always is) that it will continue on into the new year. I am ready for whatever my spirit needs of me, I just hope that it is something I can give it.

Sitting under the sky, with the clouds rolling over me, has given me some peace of mind. The storms are still on the horizon, the rain still threatens to drench this desert, but the promise of cooler days and a more ancestral feeling is in the air. I love Autumn. It is a time of inner work for me, a time of ancestor work and of honouring Place. I do not know what I will be doing this Autumn, but I hope to bring some things into my life that have been missing over the last year.

For now, here are some photos from a recent trip to New Mexico. I hope you enjoy them:

 

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This cursed blank page, it taunts me with all of the possibilities, but no words seem to be coming through. Have I lost my connection to the well of inspiration deep within my spirit? Where are the tales that have been begging to be told? Where are the vivid images that flash across my vision? I have been so focused on my courses, perhaps I have dulled my senses to my Muse.

No, I do not believe that. I do, however, think that my immersion in my studies has been because of my lack of inspiration – I need something to fill my mind during this silence, and what better way than to work towards a goal I have had for years? I promise that I have not forgotten about this space, and I will work to post more often.

Until Next Time,
Victoria.

forgotten…

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“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

No, I have not forgotten you. Many things have been happening, some of which I am not too comfortable with sharing here, at this moment. Changes are happening, within me and without me – some are for the better, some are seemingly worsening my situation. However, I am handling things with a grace that I have rarely shown in the past. Is it true that, as you age, you get wiser? Where does that wisdom come from, I wonder.

Something I am willing to share at this point is my journey through education. I have chosen to put forth the effort of doing self-paced coursework. I believe I have spoken, briefly, of my Bardic studies – those are still being done. However, I have also added in a few other courses through an online seminary, as well as my own studies of Gaelic, English Composition, Maths, and Life Coaching. If you find yourself interested in reading about my journey, you can follow the link below:

Starlit Dreams Assignments

I do promise that I have not forgotten you, my loves. I have just been rather self-absorbed. I hope to get back to normal in the coming weeks, but I cannot make any promises. You are forever in my heart <3

the queen of moths…

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“A moth may be a poor cousin to a butterfly, but it is still beautiful none the less.” 
― Anthony T. Hincks

It was safe to say that she feared moths – she understood that they would not harm her, but there was something about the speed at which their wings beat, their constant battering against the lights, and their tendency to favour her over anyone else. For as long as she could remember, she ran when a moth was present. She couldn’t stand how they got caught in her hair or behind her glasses or in her clothing.

It wasn’t until the night she met the Queen of the Moths that she learned why they had flocked to her all of those years. She appeared in a flurry of dusty wings, materialising out of the bodies of hundreds, if not thousands, of multicoloured moths.

They had been her calling card. She had been patiently waiting for her to answer and had a laugh each time she would scream and run. The Queen of the Moths rarely had the tolerance she exhibited with the young woman, but she had seen something in her all those years ago that had yet to disappear. The Queen had watched as the young woman sought after others that she had assumed were the ones calling her, and though it frustrated the Queen, she understood the nature of the process and chose not to back down.

Their exchange was silent, less a conversation and more an instant connection – the young woman understood, finally, and it had only taken nearly her entire life to find her way home.

The Queen of the Moths enfolded the young woman in her arms, covered her in the darkness that cloaked her, and warmed her at the fires of her heart. The young woman accepted her calling, accepted her place within the arms of the Queen.

 

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dream blossoms and heart listening

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“Yet in the cycle of the year, spring always follows winter. In the same way, new openings appear when the heart’s needed rest is over. Accept your own inner seasons; they are as natural as those of the world around us.”

–Patricia Monaghan, The Goddess Companion

Dream Blossoms

I remember speaking briefly about a recurring dream – a nightmare, to be honest – that I have been having for a bit over two decades. There are lulls in its appearances, generally occurring more often when I find myself in distress.

In the dream, I find myself stuck in darkness, rooted to the floor of the cave. The fear in my chest is palpable, and I am trying my hardest to run for my life. There is something chasing me, trying to catch me, and it is so close behind me. I can barely open my eyes but for a sliver at a time, but I can see the entrance to the cave, which is covered in hanging vines – beyond that, I can see the blinding brightness of a field and a thick line of trees in the far distance. I continue to look behind me, trying to catch a glimpse of what is chasing me. 

To this day, I have not made it to the entrance of the cave. I have come close, but I have never crossed that threshold. 

I won’t dive too deeply into the interpretation, as it is still rather personal for me, but I came away from it with a better understanding of my Path and the work I need to do. I also realised just how often I close my eyes and refuse to acknowledge something, out of fear or out of unknowning. And lastly, my constant journey toward a deeper spiritual connection with all that surrounds me finally makes sense.

After going through, breaking down the different symbols and learning what their meanings are, I do not fear this dream and I no longer consider it a nightmare. I had been so afraid of learning the deeper meaning of it that I waited over twenty years to find it all out.

Heart Listening

“You are a ritual.
Your breath is the air of knowing.
Your body
grounding earth.
Your spirit
the fire of intention.
Your blood the ebb and flow
of deep waters emotion.
You are a ritual.
Never forget you are magic
made flesh, blood and whole
And sacred spells are written in your soul.”

–C. Ara Campbell, The Goddess Circle

Our dreams are our subconscious speaking to us – they are the deepest parts of us, trying to understand our days and our thoughts and the silent soul-meanderings we find ourselves on. Our dreams have lessons to teach us, things to show us that we may not have recognised otherwise. I am finally listening to the words my heart has been whispering. Some of the things I am hearing are painful, some are soul-shattering – but this is the nature of my Path, change is required and sacrifices must be made to attain, and maintain, what I require in life.

I am learning, through recent experiences, that we do not always get what we want, nor what we believe is right. At least, not when we want it. Sometimes, we have to make due with what we are given, and in time we may be able to bring about what we want.

Some things take time, and healing is one of those things. I, and my two children, have much healing to do – and it is highly likely that their healing will best be done outside of the home, whilst much of my own healing will take place deep with my mind and my spirit, hidden within the words that I write and the art that I create and the meetings I have with my mentor. This is what we need, at this time, and though I am broken inside, I know that it needs to be done.

 

Until next time <3

 

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